Living in retrospect.
It was several years ago, when I was quite a bit younger in more terms than chronology, that I was first introduced to the following idea: that we enjoy the memory of an event substantially more than we enjoy that event while experiencing it. The idea that a moment that I look back on as very meaningful was seen as and (more importantly) “felt” like a very commonplace occurrence while I passed through and experienced it.
Wrap your head around that real quick.
Okay, got it?
This idea did not sit well with me at all. I really didn’t want it to be true. I was fairly sure that every waking hour of the rest of my life would contain the following: excitement, fulfillment, happiness, and an intense enjoyment of the things I loved. We only have one life to live after all, so why waste a single moment? I wanted a completely awakened sense of the total awesomeness of what I was doing in the exact moment I was experiencing whatever awesome things it was that I came up with doing. At the time I was full of all the ambition and optimism that individuals usually have their first few years of adult hood. With all the new freedom we see nothing but new opportunity. The world is ours for the taking.
We quickly learn better.
I don’t learn so quickly. And I fought supposed reality every step of the way, which made it even slower. But every once in awhile this idea would come back and haunt me, usually while I was in the middle of fondly remembering something. I was completely disheartened when I woke up one day and realized, “man, I remember all these things and realize how awesome they are, but I didn’t even give them a second glance at the time.”
That stupid idea won. Almost.
I struggled with this for a while but ended up conceding to it. It seemed that all signs pointing to moments being better remembered than experience. It sucked to admit it. Fundamentally this meant that I would be doomed to never enjoy my life living it as much as I would looking back on it. I would always be living in retrospect.
However, I’ve discovered there’s a fatal flaw in the argument for the idea. This retrospective philosophy assumes that the battle is experience vs. memories. I found that’s not the real issue. The real issue is that we aren’t taking the time to enjoy the experience, or the now. The real battle is the experience vs. future. This revelation opened my eyes to the true error in the situation. We’re enjoying the memory more not because it’s better than the experience. We only enjoy it more because we are royally screwing up the the experience by worrying about the future. We are so caught up in the next step that it detaches us from the moment. We’re either thinking of (or worrying about) places far away, things we must go to, people to meet, things to do! And the worst sin of all: we are analyzing how this moment could be better. How if this little bit was different, or if this was taken care of, or if I was happier about this and more comfortable here…
The problem isn’t that the memory is better; the problem is that we are so preoccupied with the future that we don’t take the time to savor the present until it’s the past. Until it’s a memory.
I’m changing that.
My goal is to treat every moment like it’s a memory. To take the time to focus on how perfect the right now is. Not get distracted with what it could be or what I must do. I’m looking at what it is, taking it as face value, and loving it with a thankfulness that I get to be a part of it. That’s what we do with our memories and that’s why we cherish and enjoy them so much. And honestly, it makes the experience better than the memory.
I’m living in retrospect. Right now.